The Guilt Trap: Why Women Struggle to Put Themselves First
I was recently listening to Jay Shetty’s podcast, On Purpose, where Mel Robbins was a guest. They were discussing something called the 'Let Them Theory.' And let me tell you, this one hit deep.
The idea is simple, but powerful:
If people judge your choices—let them.
If they expect you to stay the same—let them.
If someone resents your boundaries—let them.
Because their opinions are not your responsibility. Your peace is. Sounds simple, right? But here’s the truth—letting go of what others expect from us is one thing. Prioritizing ourselves? That’s where it gets complicated. This mindset is freeing in theory, yet in practice, putting ourselves first often feels impossible.
We hesitate. We second-guess. We push our needs aside. Not because we don’t want to put ourselves first, but because we’ve been conditioned not to.
We hear the voice in our heads: "Am I being selfish? What will people think? Am I letting someone down?”
We know, logically, that prioritizing ourselves isn't wrong. But the guilt? That’s the real battle.
How We Learned to Put Ourselves Last
It’s easy to believe that the pressure women feel today, to be everything to everyone at all times is just part of life. That this is simply how things are.
But this pressure? It’s not something we’re born with it’s something we’ve been taught. Passed down so subtly, so consistently, that we barely even notice it happening. It’s been shaped over thousands of years, reinforced by culture, and wrapped up with a neat little bow called guilt.
But it wasn’t always like this.
Before schedules, before endless to-do lists, before the feeling that there is never enough time, women weren’t confined to rigid roles. We moved fluidly between responsibilities—hunting, gathering, leading, strategizing, without the expectation that we must sacrifice ourselves in the process. But then, everything shifted.
With the rise of agriculture, land became property, and so did women. Society built rigid structures, and suddenly, a woman’s worth wasn’t about what she contributed, it was about who she belonged to.
Fast forward to industrialization, and the pattern deepened. Men went to work, and women stayed behind the scenes, holding everything together.
This was the unseen labour of making sure everyone else was okay. The caregiving. The emotional burden. The invisible responsibility of keeping life running smoothly for everyone but yourself.
Then came the push for women’s independence in different ways, at different times, across different cultures. Some women fought for education, careers, financial freedom. Others navigated complex traditions, family expectations, and societal norms while still finding ways to lead, contribute, and carve out space for themselves.
But no matter where in the world, one thing remained the same; instead of society restructuring to balance responsibilities, women were just expected to do it all…
Be ambitious, but not too ambitious.
Have a career, but make sure the house is taken care of.
Follow your dreams, but don’t inconvenience anyone.
Take care of yourself, but only after everyone else is sorted.
And so, we internalized a message that still lingers today: That our worth isn’t in who we are, it’s in how much we do.
Even now, when we talk about self-care, empowerment, and balance, those old patterns still creep in. They surface when we hesitate to set boundaries, when we feel guilty for resting, when we catch ourselves wondering if we’re "doing enough."
But here’s the truth…these expectations were never about what’s natural for women. They were created. And anything created can be unlearned.
The Physical & Emotional Toll of Guilt
Guilt doesn’t just weigh on your mind, it takes up space in your body too. What’s happening in the body when we feel guilty? We often feel it before we even recognize it.
A pit in your stomach, A tightness in your chest.
Racing thoughts that won’t slow down.
An urge to over-explain or apologize for things that don’t need justification.
A deep exhaustion because carrying guilt is exhausting.
And when guilt becomes chronic? It turns into burnout, anxiety, and even physical health issues; migraines, digestive problems and restless nights. It doesn’t just weigh on us emotionally. It drains our energy, keeping us stuck.
But guilt isn’t just something we feel in our bodies…it starts in the brain.
When we feel guilty, our brain jumps into overdrive. The prefrontal cortex (which helps with decision-making) and the limbic system (where emotions are processed) kick in, releasing cortisol, the body’s main stress hormone. This sends us into a mild fight-or-flight response, not because we’re in physical danger, but because our brain perceives a threat to our sense of self, our relationships and our responsibilities. In that moment, guilt feels like a warning signal, telling us we’ve done something wrong, even when we haven’t.
The Thought-Guilt Loop
Guilt doesn’t just show up on its own. It’s built on limiting beliefs we’ve absorbed over time. Beliefs that tell us who we should be instead of who we truly are. The way we interpret situations determines whether we drown in guilt or give ourselves grace.
You miss a call from a friend → "I’m such a bad friend." (Limiting Belief: My worth is tied to always being available.)
You’re behind on a work deadline → "I’m not doing enough." (Limiting Belief: Productivity equals value.)
You take a break → "I should be doing something useful." (Limiting Belief: Rest is lazy.)
And for mothers? It can hit even harder. Imagine this: You’re working late, trying to meet a deadline, and you miss bedtime with your child. Cue the guilt spiral. Your mind starts whispering:
"I should be there. If I miss too many moments like this, what if my child feels neglected? What if they remember me as the mum who was always working?"
That’s the limiting belief talking—the one that says "If I’m not present for every single moment, I’m failing as a mother."
But let’s pause for a second.
Here’s what’s actually true:
✨ You are showing your child what dedication looks like.
✨ You are creating opportunities that will benefit them in ways they don’t even see yet.
✨ You are loving them not just by being physically present every second, but by building a life that supports them.
The Empowered Belief?
"I am a loving and committed mother. My child knows they are loved, and my presence isn’t measured by a single bedtime, it’s built through the love, connection, and security I create every day."
See the shift? Guilt makes us focus on the moments we think we’re falling short. But the truth is, the love we give, the small, everyday things, that’s what truly matters.
And here’s the thing: Not every thought deserves your belief. Just because guilt shows up doesn’t mean it’s telling you the truth.
Reframing guilt means shifting from limiting beliefs to empowered ones, from "I’m failing" to "I am enough." And that’s where real freedom begins.
Unbecoming: The Process of Reclaiming Yourself
This is where Unbecoming comes in. Unbecoming is the process of letting go of everything you were told you should be so you can finally step into who you were always meant to be. It’s the undoing of generations of conditioning. It’s recognizing that guilt isn’t proof that you’re doing something wrong, it’s proof that you’re breaking a cycle.
Think of it like peeling back the layers of an onion. With each layer you shed, you get closer to your truest, most authentic self, the part of you that’s been there all along, buried beneath expectations, guilt, and the pressure to be everything to everyone.
When we Unbecome, we stop asking: "Am I doing enough?" And start asking: "Does this align with who I am?" We start to see guilt for what it really is; a symptom of old programming. And we then realize something life-changing…we don’t have to listen to it anymore.
Living authentically isn’t just about being true to yourself; it’s about creating a life that actually feels like yours. It’s about doing things that light you up, even if they don’t make sense to anyone else. It’s about following your own path, even when it’s a little off the beaten track.
And let me tell you…it’s worth it. Because I know first-hand what happens when you choose yourself. When you stop shrinking, stop apologizing, stop carrying what was never yours to hold.
I’ve walked this path, I’m doing the work, and I am living proof that Unbecoming isn’t just a concept—it’s a transformation, and it changes everything!
Breaking the Cycle for the Next Generation
And this isn’t just about breaking free for ourselves. Many women reading this are mothers, aunts, mentors, sisters. Would we want our daughters, nieces, younger sisters to carry this same guilt? To shrink themselves? To apologize for prioritizing their well-being? To feel like they are only worthy when they’re overgiving and exhausted?
Of course not.
But here’s the truth, the next generation learns from what they see, not just what they’re told.
Every time we choose ourselves without guilt, we show another woman it’s possible.
Every time we set a boundary, we teach the next generation that it’s okay to protect their energy.
Every time we Unbecome, we undo a little bit of the conditioning that has kept women small for centuries.
And that is how we change everything.
Here’s my invitation to you:
If you’re ready to start shedding the layers of expectations, fears, and limiting beliefs. To step into a life that feels fully yours, then I invite you to take the first step.
Download my free guide, Unbecoming: Breakthrough to You. This isn’t about reinventing yourself; it’s about returning to yourself.
Because when you finally stop carrying what was never yours to
hold, you create space for the life that’s been waiting for you all along.
Through reflections and practical exercises, you’ll begin to uncover the parts of you that have been buried beneath societal conditioning, external pressures, and the idea of who you “should” be.
And if you’re feeling called to go deeper, my Breakthrough to YOU Mentorship is here to support you. This one-on-one, personalized journey is designed to help you move through the process of unbecoming, to release, to reclaim, and to step fully into your essence.
This isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about coming home to yourself.
